May 5, 2016
Developing family
identity and navigating parenthood by growing and maintaining emotional
intimacy
Emotionally healthy
pregnancies can serve to support safer and more satisfying birth outcomes. Certainly, this is not to say that nutrition,
exercise, and heredity don’t play a part in the realization of a safer and more
satisfying birth. People (pregnant women
or not) tend to feel emotionally well when they perceive deeper connection with
themselves and others and such connection impacts one’s physical well-being in
a positive way, too. It makes sense,
then, that a woman’s labor, birth, and postpartum experiences are also enhanced
when there is an overall sense of emotional intimacy which has been developed by
the collective efforts of her and her support network. When a person feels emotionally strong,
oftentimes, their sense of physical safety and security feels stable, too. During pregnancy, labor, birth, postpartum,
and even early parenthood, such feelings are quite health and life-sustaining
to mother and baby. As has been
mentioned in previous blog posts, an emotionally healthy pregnancy and an emotionally healthy labor and
delivery, partly resulting from adequate social support, have been shown to
affect the physical and emotional growth and development of both the unborn and
developing child of any age.
Across the childbearing year and moving
through the terrain of early parenthood, we will be given many opportunities to
tap into research findings which pertain to emotional intimacy and healthy relationships. This research collectively urges us to deepen
our understanding of the potential importance of Values Identification, Self-Advocacy
(and Other-Advocacy), Education, and Support and how these concepts might act to serve the best needs of
pregnant women and their growing families.
Values Identification
Assessing and talking
about options which enhance personalization, meaning, and feelings of ownership
in pregnancy, labor and birth, postpartum, early parenthood, AND life by
·
Choosing to share the
news of pregnancy with family and friends at a time not dictated by society nor
family history but that makes sense to you
·
Trying out new foods
that are known to nourish pregnant bodies and their passengers and being aware
of how those foods impact your body
and your baby
·
Taking the time to look
more closely at relationships and measure quality, resilience, and longevity by
using values assessment tools to develop and/or improve them
The Gottman Institute, (http://www.gottman.com), an organization developed out of a
strong desire to assist couples and families in navigating the journey of
relationships more meaningfully, safely, and lovingly, devised a card deck called “52
Questions Before Marriage or Moving In”. The goal of the deck (referred to as a “game”,
in some places) is to give couples the opportunity to consider and brainstorm topics
that don’t always get addressed at the front end of relationships – family of
origin history, work ethic, team work, personal strengths and weaknesses, and various
types of personal preferences, are all things that get addressed in this
relationship tool.
In looking at the several questions listed below, it’s not
hard to see how expressing interest in another’s life by exploring subjects
like these could serve to jump start, fertilize, and/or unearth the emotional
intimacy required in all successful relationships. Of course, the level of emotional intimacy
required in our many relationships varies depending upon who, what, when, where,
and why. For example, the one-time
“relationship” we have with a cashier requires less emotional intimacy for a
pleasant interaction to occur than, say, the relationship we have with our child’s teachers. A bit more emotional intimacy needed to
maintain positivity is required in our relationships with our parents. However, the greatest level of emotional
intimacy may be required (relationship specific) when we consider how to care
for and maintain cohesion in our relationships with dear friends and/or our
intimate partners.
You may or may not have thought
about and/or discussed questions similar to the ones to follow, as they relate
to potentially deepening relationships with others. Perhaps you have thought about broaching some
or all of the topics with various individuals across your lifespan, but later decided
that to bring up such topics would be inappropriate. Although asking questions of people might at
first seem counterintuitive to your personal philosophy, in reality asking
people (even the cashier at the grocery store) these and other questions consistently
serves to enhance ours and others sense of belonging and feelings of being
cared for. Again, such feelings of human
connection and emotional intimacy do nothing but enhance mental, emotional,
physical, and even spiritual health for all of us, whether we are traveling the
path of the childbearing year or not.
Questions
from Gottman’s deck of cards include:
·
In what ways do you operate well as
a team? In what ways could you improve?
Do you tend to be a leader or follower?
·
How does our relationship differ
than those that haven’t worked out?
·
What are your main strategies for
coping with tough financial times? Who
are some of your financial role models?
Other inquiries which tend to speak more directly to
pregnancy, labor, birth, postpartum, and early parenting include the
following:
·
What are your fears, if any, about
your ability to act as a support person during labor and birth?
·
What kind of relationship do you
look forward to having with my/our baby?
·
What are your dreams for your own
future, our future?
·
How would you suggest we divvy up
the chores once the baby arrives? What
kind of sharing would help you avoid possible feelings of resentment? In looking towards raising children, what
level of household responsibility do you suggest allocating to them?
·
As intimate partners who are sharing
a home and a child together, how do you feel about one of us staying at home,
temporarily or permanently, to take care of our child? Conversely, how do you view child care?
·
Although we have been together for a
while and have shared a physical/sexual relationship, we have had to adjust
that part of our relationship to accommodate the changes associated with our
pregnancy. During the postpartum period,
breastfeeding, and early parenthood, there can be occurrences which have to do
with additional hormonal changes, energy levels, and/or emotional shifts. Based upon this reality, how can we work
together to keep our lines of communication open and move forward with respect
and consideration for each other?
Dr. Gottman’s research supports the long-term value of
asking questions of the people we are in relationship with, especially our
significant others. The positive impact,
he found, in terms of sustaining healthy and enduring relationships, family and
otherwise, is undeniable. So often, it seems
that we have much on our minds but simply may not know the best way to broach
the subject. Additionally, people’s
schedules make it difficult to prioritize touching base with each other on a
daily basis. Asking questions of one
another helps bring such thoughts and feelings to the table for relationship
building discussion. Over time, such questions
adjust to accommodate changes in family dynamics, education, employment, rites
of passage (like the childbearing year), and the aging process. As we traverse the path of emotional intimacy,
the answers we receive to our questions, according to Gottman, serve to
naturally develop our own “love maps”.
Such “maps”, then, Gottman encourages us to use in order to minimize the
emotional upheaval that often results from major life events such as bringing a
new child into a household, perhaps one of the greatest threats to stability in
intimate relationships (along with job loss, etc.). Gottman also suggests that when we have developed
good habits of regular asking and listening, we are in a much better place to
experience resilience in the face of such relationship challenges.
As we get to know each other better,
it becomes easier to ask questions when we are interested and/or unsure about
various goings on in both our micro- and macro- relationships. We become better at avoiding what can become habitual
assuming. Also, we can more readily offer
the kind of support to each other that we desire at various times of our
lives. Lastly, the rewards that come from committing
to asking questions of each other will, over time, far outweigh any potential
negative fallout from such a genuine human activity.
Self and
Other Advocacy
By now, the pregnant
woman and the individuals she might share living space with and/or who plan on assisting
her during labor and birth have conversed about how they might support the most personally meaningful, safe, and
satisfying experience possible. Knowing
the personal preferences of the birthing woman, then, informs the kind of
support and advocacy we will provide during this challenging, but strength
building, life event, as well as the support and advocacy her health care
providers will offer, as well. Such
details may be delineated, pre-birth, in a “birth plan”, which might list such
preferences as availability of a hot tub for labor, use of a doula during all
stages of labor, having a special family member cut the umbilical cord, and/or
immediate breastfeeding with a non-emergent delivery. Such intimate support and advocacy are ever
crucial during labor, birth, and postpartum, but will also prove daily
necessary in developing family identity, raising a family, and maintaining the healthiest
relationships.
Education
Just as in raising a
family, education will help us be in a better position to provide support and
advocacy to a woman in labor. Through
the assistance of books on the topic, childbirth and breastfeeding education
classes, and even pregnancy exercise classes, we will feel more confident in
our abilities to ask meaningful questions and use the resulting answers to give
the type of support that is desired.
Support
In accompanying a woman across the journey of
her pregnancy, we are gifted with the opportunities to affect positive relationships
through the practice of being present, acting as a witness, and being a validator
(a communication skill which utilizes reflective listening and demonstrates
empathy) to and of the physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual changes
which are transpiring for the woman you care for. Knowing how to support people we are in
relationship with isn’t always a straightforward process and the “gameplan” one
might seek to use is always in development, under construction, and demands
rather constant attention and upkeep.
Nonetheless, learning to think on our feet, coexist with transparency,
communicate with authenticity, listen reflectively, and treat each other with
compassion and empathy, will take us far in moving towards successful, happy,
and satisfying outcomes related to pregnancy, raising families, and living in
general.
To
recap, the many ways we learn to support pregnant and birthing women, along
with new mothers, are really no different than the basic and humane types of
support it behooves all of us to learn to afford ourselves and each other, in
an effort to grow and deepen emotional intimacy. Understanding the value and real
health-sustaining power of growing emotional connection between people will only
serve to enhance individual and collective self-esteem, increased happiness, and
greater emotional resilience. As we
become more adept at asking and answering, so do we become more able to grow
not only family cohesion, but community cohesion, too.
Enjoy the close of the
childbearing year, the start of parenthood, and the rest of your life journey!
References:
Brittle, Zach,
LMHC, March 11, 2015. Build Love Maps: Dr. Gottman’s term for getting to know your
partner’s world is called Build Love Maps. Retrieved March 11, 2016 from
Gottman,
John and Nan Silver (1999). The
Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide From the Country’s
Foremost Relationship Expert. Three Rivers Press, New York.
